Coming Soon: Virtual Divorce

Via Amber, I find this story, which can be summed up as something age-old: Boy meets Girl, Boy marries Girl, Boy has affair with Hooker, Girl hires detective, Girl catches Boy, Girl divorces Boy. You've heard all that before, it's been going on since the invention of sex. Except in this story, all but the last of those events took place online, mostly in Second Life.

That's right, she hired an online detective to follow him. I'd sign up for that job if I didn't have to spend my time dealing with the likes of these people. Let's face it, it's a lot less dangerous than being a real-life detective. Of course, there's a lot smaller likelyhood of getting paid, too.

But the real bull market here is for gossip sheets that rehash this kind of thing for the amusement of their readers. When is someone going to do something like that? Or better yet, an online version of a "confrontation talk show".

...

Ahem.

...

"Lords and Ladies, my name is Jheri Springrain, and this is the Jhery Springrain show!", the blond high elf with the pretty teeth announces. "Today's guest is Mistee, a Fury from Willow Wood who caught her husband cheating on her. Mistee, welcome!"

"Hi Jheri," says the pretty wood elf.

"You caught your husband, Buurrp, cheating on you online?"

"Yes, Jheri, that creep was doing it in Kylong plains with some hussy right by the sokokor post near Fens. He thought he was safe because he had all my characters on his friends list, and would know if I logged on."

"How did you and Buurrp first meet?"

"Well, Jheri, we met in a pickup group in Rivervale a few years back, and I just though he was so cute hacking those dryads to bits!"

"And you got married?"

"Oh yes, we had a big wedding in the Temple of Life and then threw a big party at my parent's house in South Qeynos. We had to send people to train the guards away so our friends from Freeport could come."

"So, Misstee, how did you find out he was cheating?"

"Well, I hired an online investigator to follow him for me."

"So the investigator got you screenshots?"

"Actually, Jheri, I went over to his office. His name is Isneek Forpie, by the way. I went over to Isneek's office. And I watched the whole thing over his shoulder. It turns out Buurrp was very predictable."

"Now we have a little surprise for you Misstee. It turns out Buurrp is here, and he has something to say to you."

In walks a dwarf, with hammer over shoulder, beard neatly combed, hair slicked down, and a clean chain shirt. "I'm really sorry, Misstee, won't you please forgive me?"

"You jerk!"

"Really, Misstee, it was a mistake. She didn't mean anything to me! She was just a pickup group!"

"You think you can just say 'I'm sorry' and that's the end of it? I've had it with you!" Misstee's hand begins to crackle with energy as she gesticulates.

CRACK!!

"Ouch, Misstee, that hurt! But I can take it, I'm a great tank, everyone says so, and I'll tank this if it will win you back."

"That didn't hurt half as much as you hurt me! Want some more? Because that's what you'll get if you keep trying to get back in my life. I used to think your beard was all cute and stuff and I loved that funky smell until I figured out that it was just vomit."

Jheri cuts in at this moment, "So now that we know how Buurrp feels, we have one more person to hear from. Our next guest is the third person involved, and she goes by the handle of V'xyn, and she hails from Neriak."

"Hi Jheri!"

"Welcome to the show, V'xyn! Now why don't you tell us how you got involved with Buurrp."

"Well, it's simple Jheri, very simple. We both had something that the other wanted. For my part, my body, my attitude and my pet."

"Your pet?"

"Well, you see Jheri, I'm a necromancer, and Buurrp really loves it when my pets play with him and tickle his, ummm, toes."

"That's GROSS! Did you really have sex with a skeleton?", Mistee shrieks, looking revolted.

"Umm, errr, ..." stammers Buurrp.

"No dear," cuts in V'xyn smoothly, "He was much more interested in the succubus. It made for kind of a 2 and 3/4ths-some. He was incredibly turned-on by it. Which is more than you can manage, from what I hear."

"Why you!..." Misstee's hand crackles again.

"You seem just a little bit stuck on your Energy Vortex, Misstee, dear. Maybe you should have thought about using your hands for something other than casting Lightning Bolt? You've heard of Dire Salve, haven't you?"

"I'll tear your eyes out, you bitch!" screams Misstee as she lunges for V'xyn.

Just then there was some odd music as Jheri makes a quick gesture and Mistee stops dead and stares off into the distance.

"Don't touch, her, and call off your pet." Jheris says firmly to V'xyn. "And no AE's from you either," he says to Buurrp, who has both arms out and is about to spin. "And especially no DOTs!!!" V'xyn and Buurrp sit back in their seats after a moment.

"And what did you see in Buurrp?", asks Jheri.

"Well, I could see that he was an awesome tank, and a man of means, and he had what I was looking for...plat!"

"So it was a commercial transaction? Is that what your saying?" Jheri raises his eyebrows.

"That would be illegal, Jheri!" V'xyn says and her eyes sparkle.

"Well, Buurrp, what do you have to say? What attracted you V'xyn?"

"Well, she sent me some tells that were really smoking, and well, just look at her!", says Buurrp, staring at V'xyn.

Misstee seems awake again and has been pacified somewhat. "Yeah, she sends tells to every single guy at Fish's Follies, I bet. She's the warmup for the Antonia Bayle lookalike stripper."

"Don't be silly dear," says V'xyn, "that is the real Antonia Bayle, and we of course give the Queen the place of honor in our show."

"Yeah, and I'm Lucan D'Lere. I'm through with you, you loser! Don't ever talk to me again!" Mistee says to Buurrp and then walks off the set.

"Well, Buurrp, what now?"

"Well, I guess I'll go grind some faction with the Rylissians, those lizard girls are kind of hot."

"And you, V'xyn?"

"Jheri, my dear, I will be available for private performances, I mean pickup groups. I mentor to any level. Just check out my website at www.vxyn4u.com"

"That's our show for today, folks. Tomorrow we will have some members of a guild accused of bypassing content on our show. See you then!"